Measuring up....

I finally found the tape measure (buried in one of my knitting bags, go figure!)

OK! I don't know if I am comfy posting where I started from- it's still a little too close for comfort. But I will tell you that, in about a week and a half, I've lost:

7 lbs.

1/2 inch each from: my thighs and calves.

One inch each from: My biceps, chest, and waist.

NOTHING from my neck or forearms (Get with the program, guys!)

However, I have to be consoled by...

THREE!!! freaking inches from: my hips. (Which, it needs to be said, includes a fair amount of tummy.)

Holy crap- no WONDER my jeans are loose! I triple-checked it, just to be sure that I was not hallucinating.

So- how do I count this? Do I count the inches for things that there are two of (like the biceps) twice? I'm so confused. And possibly insane to be worrying about something this nitpicky and lame. And Google seems to share this opinion, because it's giving me nothing. Does anyone know the magic answer? Please tell me!

So it's either: 7 inches, or 9 inches lost. For all of you who think this sounds like a lot- well, I have a LOT of inches to lose! But I feel like I have made a fairly decent start.

Restoring the status quo

Much better.

Seriously, that sinus infection was heinous. Thank god for antibiotics.

My appetite is still erratic, but at least my nasal region no longer is throbbing and leaking and threatening to explode.

The weight is still heading downwards, although (ironically) not as much as you'd think , considering that I just sort of stopped eating. One pound down so far this week. Once again, proof positive that when I don't drink my water, the whole process slows down. Well, and I haven't been exercising. But I think I can haul my butt back onto the elliptical tomorrow. I'm not beating myself up about it, you can't exercise if you can't breathe (at least, the last time I checked.)

I'm going out of town to visit my buddies in Sacramento, and then my little sis in SF for the weekend. So while I won't be at the gym, I will be doing a hell of a lot of walking.

Creeping Crud Casualty

No, I still haven't found the tape measure. I have been too busy clawing my way though a throbbing haze of pain.

Yes, sinus infections (my illness of choice!) are sooo fun. I get them every year, and morph from my generally cheery disposition into the "snot monster." Yeah. Ick.

I forced myself to eat today, and am dismayed to realize that I only got about 800 calories down, most of which was chicken soup and crackers. But the thought of eating anything else is killing me. Except for maybe a sugar-free popsicle or three. And some more Excedrin Migraine before bed.

My head hurts, my sinuses are throbbing, and my TEETH ache, for heaven's sake. WTF is that?!

Yeah, the gym didn't happen today. Yoga didn't happen, either. Which is good, because downward-facing dog is just not something that I'm up to right now.

Waaaaaaah! Ok, I'll quit wallowing and shut up now.

Monday Rundown, 3/27/06

Nobody's more surprised than I am. Trust me on this one.

Evidently the Universe has decided to adopt a "we will speak of this to no one" policy on the creampuff and pizza debacle of yesterday. (Either that, or it will return to haunt me later on this week. But I don't want to think about that right now!)

5 lbs. down this week. I prefer to think that they were taken to a farm in Minnesota where there are sheep to chase and lots of room of room to roam free.

As of this morning, I am seven lbs. closer to my first goal, with 42.4 lbs. to go.

I will be tracking inches lost too, and will be taking my measurements later on today, as soon as I can find the damn tape measure.

That thud you heard?

That was me. Falling off the wagon. Again.

I am so very, very pissed at myself. Actually, I was more pissed at myself before I added the total of my path to destruction into FitDay.

I made a few major mistakes today. I didn't lose this morning. So of course, I got upset. Then I didn't eat. Until I went out to a late lunch with my buddies. We went to Mimis, (Incidentally, unless you order something off the "Finess menu" there is NO INFO on calories to be found online. So that salad and muffin? Could be eight bazillion calories for all I know. I just tried to guess at ingredients in FitDay.)

And then-

Well, there's a lot going on with me right now. I am fighting a sinus infection, and I have a bunch of doctor's appointments to make this week that very well might change life as I know it. (No, nothing life threatening- just taking a more agressive approach to my health).

Anyway. I stayed out way too late. I watched movies, laughed and talked a lot, once again, let myself get too hungry and ate HORRIBLE food (well, it tasted great at the time, but you get the idea- cream puffs were involved) and suddenly realized that it was 11PM, I had a ton of stuff on my mind, I'd killed my diet, my sinuses were throbbing in pain, and I had that awful feeling that precedes a MONSTER migraine.

I barely made it home before it hit me- slammed some OTC medication, and headed for the bedroom. I had nausea, light sensitivity, the whole nine yards. Hubby came in and tried to snuggle me, and I just burst into tears. I was pissed at myself for messing up my diet, when I have been doing so well, and just felt horrible healthwise- my whole body ached, my sinuses felt like they were on fire, and the migraine was throbbing behind my right eye.

And I am so stressed and worried about the upcoming week, and- I don't know. It's one of those situations where I feel really alone and helpless. The man is used to this reaction, and he just sort of hung onto me until I felt better, and silently passed me Kleenexes and sips of water until he passed out.

But I couldn't sleep. So here I am. I just made a list of all the stuff I have to do for the week, and then I figured I would face the music and calculate the damage of my little emotional eating spree into Fitday. My original plan was just to pretend that today didn't happen, and not log anything. I didn't want any of my transgressions captured for posterity. But my conscience and my morbid curiosity made me do it.

I'm glad I did. By my calculations, while I went way over my daily allotment of calories for optimal weight loss, I am still under the amount of calories I burned today. Just barely, but that's enough for me. I definitely didn't drink enough water, but....well, so what? I am going to have days like this, and I just need to learn to take them in stride and do better the next time around.

I can't wait until this week is over.

8 more ounces won't kill me.

Ugh. The water drinking is getting oooooooooold.

No, I haven't finished the monster 64 oz. mug. It's sitting next to me on the couch, taunting me,and I estimate that there are at least 12 oz. of H2O still sloshing around in there.

I keep trying to rationalize...."Well, I had two mugs of hot tea and at least 12 oz. of water while at the sushi place, and then another...well, probably 32 oz. of herbal tea after dinner...."

But I know- If I don't finish the mug, I will probably regret it. Somehow. I know it will torture me on a subconscious level.

What's the official figure on water? I started thinking about it, and then of course- all hail Google!- I gave in and looked it up.

The general concensus was: 64 oz (or around two liters) if you're at your ideal weight. Then if you're overwight, (here's the kicker!) 8 oz. more for every 25 lbs above "ideal".

Crap. Ok, I can do math.

For me, that's...

Ninety two ounces of water. You have got to be freaking kidding me. While I know (if I empty my freaking water jug) that 92 oz. of water is technically do-able, and that I managed it today (albeit, with some serious whining)....well, all I have to say is, I am so glad that we re-decorated the bathroom recently.

Oh. One more minor- well, I don't know what, but I am sending it out into the universe.

Now that I work for a company that rocks and brings in treats like HOT CINNAMON ROLLS for meetings? Not even the crappy ones from Vons, the ones from the Cinnamon Roll Shoppe? Those suckers are better than the ones at the county fair, they have PRALINES on the top, for Chrissake, and I seriously can't eat them.

Well, I could...but it means lettuce leaves for dinner, and it's just not worth it to me.

Meanwhile, all the skinny people, which means EVERYONE else in the room, (who incidentally, ate that crap and then chugged down all the diet sodas!!!) never let me just silently avoid the baked goods. They seriously gang up on me and say things like, "Oh come on, this is sooooooo yummy"- then they make dancing motions with cinnamon rolls in front of my face- "ONE bite won't kill you!"

My visceral response is to say, "If I have one bite, I will go into sensory overload and kill you all just to have both boxes of gooey cinnamon praline goodness ALL TO MYSELF!!!!!"

I have managed to content myself thus far with a wry smile.

Here's the worst part- when I refused the treats, one of the girls (who is probably around 20, and is so thin, she makes Nicole Ritchie look like a HEIFER) said to me, "Wow! You've got so much self-control. I know, I need to watch it too. My doctor says that I need to cut back on sweets and eat stuff with more nutritional value- but I guess I just have a really fast metabolism, because I can eat whatever I want!"

I seriously need to be nominated for sainthood, because believe it or not, that bitch is still alive.

Watch out, California rolls.

So, I am still in the adjustment phases of being able to eat- well, whatever I want, within reason.

So when my friend called and wanted to know if I was up for sushi for luch, the answer was a resounding, "Hell yes!"

Then I started scouring the internet for sushi nutritional info, so I could plan what I could eat.

I found a couple of specific resources here and here, which look like they'll get me through lunch nicely.

And of course, now that I have done my homework, it looks like FitDay has some non-specific stuff in its memory banks, like "roll with rice, fish, and vegetable." So I am set and ready to go.

Unfortunately, my friend is also on a project that is taking forever, it's 2:30, I have a meeting at 4PM, and I am beginning to panic. Not to mention, I am getting to the point where I am so hungry, that I don't think that sushi alone is going to do the trick. Grrrr!

In better news, the scale is still humoring me- more weight loss this morning, so we are now down to a 3lb loss for the week so far, not counting the other two pounds that it took me THREE MONTHS to lose with Atkins. I am thinking that my official weigh-in day will be on Mondays, simply because Monday is when I started this whole shebang.

OK! Lazy friend finally called, and sushi awaits- I'm outta here.

Only A Lad

I went to the gym! Let the parade comence!

Today, a few odd things happened.

I hopped on the elliptical, as usual and cranked up my gym mix (Gwen Stephani, Billy Idol, Oingo Boingo, etc.) As soon as I really got going, two women (both of whom were in fantastic shape, by the look of them) got on the machines on either side of me. Which was odd, because there were a bunch of empty machines down on the end.

One looked like a college student, and the other was textbook trophy wife, down to the immobile breast implants, orange tan, lip collagen and pink lycra half-shirt.

They both kept looking over at me and watching me in the mirror and increasing their speeds accordingly, but they both ended up giving out before I did. I am not sure if it was some weird competitive fitness thing or what, but I sort of ignored them both and they eventually went away. Freakness!

Then I finished and headed out, and the gym desk staff remember my name. Considering that I have been to the gym more in the past week or so than in the past year, I guess that isn't too surprising.

So, out to the car. I was wearing the torturous jogbra, a black tank from Old Navy, and some black yoga pants, with my sweatshirt slung around my waist. Hair in a big poof on top of my head, no makeup- the usual gym slob type of thing.

I shove on my sunglasses and start walking through the parking lot, and some guy in a blue Honda Accord slows down and practically stops next to me. He's probably in his mid to late twenties.

This fills me with serious dread. I am all pumped up from the elliptical workout, and I think to myself, "He's going to say someting shitty about my fat ass, and when he does, I will smash his windshield with my iPod and then slit his throat with my gym card." ( I blame the aggression on the adrenaline!)

He didn't say anything, however. He just looked me up and down and smiled at me. In an approving way.

Then I got checked out by several random men on the drive home. I did not have the 'vertible top down, although I was blaring the Ramones, so that might have been why.

Things are beginning to get.......weird.

Back to the gym!

Yup. I was bad yesterday, and kept putting off going. So I need to head over there today and tomorrow, and then one day this weekend.

We'll see how my body takes it- I am down another pound today, which I am really in a fantastic mood about. The great thing about weighing every day is that I am getting some idea of the weight loss pattern that my body goes through. Ah, the joys of being a woman and retaining copious amounts of water!

The added bonus is, of course, encouragement. I can't tell you how crazy Atkins made me. I'd go down one pound, up four, down three, up five- day by day. I did it for three months, and I finally came to the conclusion that Atkins and I just weren't meant to be a happy couple. Although, I did drop a jeans size. But I am addicted to my scale, and the fact that I was not getting anywhere made me feel like no progress was being made- even when I logged my calories!

I took quite a bit away from Atkins and South Beach, however. I am just doing an "every calorie counts" kind of deal, where I try to eat less than 1,800 calories a day. I will probably have to adjust that number downward as I lose, but right now it seems to be working great, just counting and logging it all in FitDay!

I eat breakfast, which is some kind of lean protein- just something small to jump-start my metabolism. I have learned the hard way that it I eat carbs for breakfast, I will be hungry all day long. I also try to fill my 64 oz. water jug at the beginning of the day. I am supposed to drink more at my weight, but I'll take what I can get. Maybe I can work up to it in a couple of weeks.

Lunch and dinner are for complex carbs and protein. I try not to eat anything after 8PM- I do crave sweets around that time, but have found that a glass of hot tea or hot water with lemon and a little Splenda seems to kill that. And then I try to be in bed by 10PM. Which ensures that I get my eight hours of sleep, and also kills the late-night munchies which were one of the biggest problems for my night-owl self.

Then with the gym- 4 days of cardio a week- I am just trying to get everything jump-started. Eventually (probably at week three) I am going to add some weight training to the mix. Because, remember, strapless bridesmaid's dress and my big squishy arms do NOT mix.

So there we go, the Jenna Diet and Exercise plan. Because I have to get everything down in black and white, I suppose.

Ok, drink water...I get it.

Well, the scale and I are friends again. Sort of.

I invested in the digital Tanita scale I have now...Well, about three years ago. The only way I know this is that the "age 29" data that was originally entered, and still shows up whenever I weigh.

Needless to say, I am not 29 anymore! Oh, and it's supposed to measure your body fat percentage, but it seems to be woefully inaccurate. But maybe that's wishful thinking on my part.

So I am down 1.2 lbs. this morning. Which is great. And of course, FitDay, perpetual little cheerleader that it is, is coming up with predictions based on this rate. Like, "4.2 lbs. lost by the end of the week!" And "50 lbs.lost by June!"

While I am realistic about my weight loss, and I know better than anyone that "cheesecake happens" and that every once in awhile, the news from the scale inexplicably is not so hot, those random FitDay reports are encouraging to me. No, I don't expect to lose down to my first goal weight by June, and be wearing bikinis by September. Seventy pounds or so aren't going to come off overnight.

As for weighing in every day- I have to do it. I've tried weighing once a week, or every other day, or going by how my clothes fit, and unfortunately, it's just not enough for me. I have to be accountable each and every morning, first thing in the AM.

Here's a psychotic detail: I actually have the scale set up on the floor of my walk-in closet, so if my hubby is lurking about, I can shut the door. I just need privacy to be able to "face the music" every morning. After three and a half years of marriage, he's gotten a little more understanding about my crazy ways.

Reading this now, I am recognizing why Weight Watchers never worked so well for me. I am much happier filling out the charts and logging calories and exercise on the computer, than I ever was talking to my WW leader and counting Points. And the public weigh-in- Argh! It was like the Spanish Inquisition. I guess I am just my own best cheerleader. Me and FitDay.

What's wrong with me?!

So, I stuck to my diet yesterday, and yes, when I weighed this AM, I'd gained weight. And of course, after only watching it for ONE DAY, I expect a bloody miracle. Because I am unrealistic like that.

I am sure it's because I drank all my water and my body is so DAMN happy that it's hanging on to every single bit of H2O that it can grab. I know this because my wedding ring and my watch are tight today.

And the amount gained is less than a pound. WHY am I fretting over it? Why?

I am having a chill-out day today, with a gym visit tomorrow. I may try a new yoga DVD this evening- if there's going to be a workout, soothing is probably the way to go.

Ow. Ow. OW!!!!!

I need to bite the bullet and buy some serious sports bras.

Whatever you do, don't go to Wal-mart and get the x-back bra that's made by Danskin. First of all, you have to be a contortionist to get it on. Admittedly, mine is on the tighter side, so YMMV.

But seriously, this thing was designed by Torquemada. It hooks in the back, not with regular hooks, but with the one large hook- like a bikini top. This is below the actual x-back part, so there are actually three straps that you have to arrange, none of which(hopefully)will be cutting off the circulation to your head.

It's also marginally less attractive than a full straightjacket. And then getting OUT of the thing? Well, if The Man's not around to help me, I am pretty much S.O.L.

Actually, if you have a teenaged daughter, I'd recommend investing in a few of these beauties. No man alive could get her out of this thing, unless he's got eighteen fingers and a searchlight- and maybe the Jaws of Life on standby.

The most irritating thing? It actually works! The girls are immobilized. But at what cost, dammit?!

Oh, I should mention-

When I did "The Almighty Weigh-IN" this morning, it wasn't so hot. Not as bad as I worried about, but I am about 3.5 lbs. up from my weigh-in a few days ago. Which is before I fell face-first into the vat of donuts. And pizza. And creme brulee.

The weird thing is? When I finally caved and ate that stuff that I had been craving for so long? I guess I've kicked the habit. None of it was as good as I thought it would be. The worst thing was, I had given myself permission to eat whatever I wanted, and therefore....I'd take a few bites, think: "Hmm....well, I know it gets better!" And polish it off anyway. And no, it didn't improve with quantity. Damn it. I feel ripped off somehow.

On the other hand- I just got back from the gym, and I ate some string cheese and a pear. And they were both so yummy, I could hardly believe it. The pear was so cool and juicy and sweet, it was unbelievable. And that's when I realized that the stuff I missed doing Atkins? Wasn't donuts. I missed fruit and whole grains.

I guess I am getting healthier all by myself. Go figure!

Aaaaaaaaand- It's Monday.

OK- So, I started off today. For what seems like (and probably is) the MILLIONTH time.

So- healthy nutritious breakfast. I bought the full version of FitDay, and have wasted a ton of time this morning trying to tweak it to do what I want. Of course, I can't figure out how to import all my info from the freebie version of the site. But that's OK.

The paid ersion has places where I can track my measurements and do all kinds of cool stuff. So I measured everything,which was NOT fun, let me tell you, entered my goal weight, and I seem to be on the right track. Yeeeha!

I even know how many calories I am supposed to eat per day. I's a little scary, to be honest.

I have procrastinated all morning, so I definitely am going to go out and hit the gym.

La da dee, la da dummmm

Basic day....

Like I said, I am cruising. Monday is THE big day, and I think I am not going to do much in particular- although my basic plan is to eat lots of lean protein, fruit, veggies, and whole grains, a la South Beach. Not because I think Dr. Agatson is a god, but more because I like eating that way, and let's face it, that's the whole point.

So, eating healthy stuff that I like. Weighing every day (which is the only way I can stay on track, so no talking smack!) Filling the "big-ass mug" with water and drinking it all, every day. Taking my supplements and vitamins. Logging calories in FitDay. Exercising at the gym at least three times a week, yoga once a week, and doing other stuff the other three days if I don't go to the gym. Then there's one "floating day" to just sit on my ass.

Two weeks in, weight training starts. I plan to take my measurements, and yet another "before" photo on Monday morning. I am tossing around the idea to post pics every 10 pounds or so.

My inspiration:



The dress and sash will actually be the same solid wine color.

It's a lovely dress, but I am worried, because the bride is already asking for measurements, and the happy event is at the end of September. Ack! Luckily it's empire- unluckily, I am going to need serious upholstery underneath to hold up the girls, no matter what I weigh, and uh- not only will this dress accentuate my "lovely lady lumps" to the point to parade float ridiculousness, there's also no wrap that I know of, so my upper arms will be on full display. And uh- the bottom is cute, but it's going to hit right at the widest part of my leg.

The evil voice in my mind? Is screaming, "Titsy McStumpylegs!"

Oh my giddygod's trousers.

I am being realistic, and Fitday tells me that if I lose 1.5 lbs. a week, I can make it to my first goal. I know that's possible. I believe in FitDay. I must not panic.

Having said that, it's "guiltless confession" time. I had doughnuts today, and I never want to see them ever again, which should give you the correct idea that I had more than two. Ugh!

I also drank Starbucks- a frappucino. I was going to have pizza for dinner, and now I just realized that the doughnuts were dinner, which means anything with actual nutrients has gone by the wayside, and I will awaken tomorrow starving hungry and miserable.

Holy God, I feel sick. I think I have had more refined sugar today alone than I have eaten in the last three months, and my body is hating on me. I feel like I am coming down with a cold. I'm jotting "AirBorne" down on the grocery list. I need it anyway, if I am going to be working with kids. They're cute little germ carriers, every one of them.

Positive thought for the day! I got THREE compliments today on my new white flowy peasant skirt. Yeeehaw! As well as compliments about my previous eyewear choices. When the ladies at the optometrist's office remember your last three years of eyewear selections (!), you know that your taste in glasses kicks quite a lot of ass.

Ugh.

Well, this week started off pretty well- I broke my three month stall. All it took was counting calories and going to the gym.

And by "breaking my stall?" I mean, I lost one additional pound beyond the initial 5 that keep taunting me.

And then I had a horrible, frustrating, exhausting day yesterday. I collapsed on the couch, and just sort of forgot about dinner until nine PM, when I became ravenous enough to murder and eat an ox, should one have been unfortunate enough to be passing at the moment.

So anyway, my survival skills kicked in, and I ordered Chinese food for delivery. The entree wasn't too evil, but the fried rice and pot stickers I ordered to go with it? Yeah. I binged. Big Time. The awful part was? I used to love pot stickers and fried rice. And now? Meh. But it was there, and I mindlessly ate a big vat of it. When the dust cleared, I was uncomfortably full, and even MORE upset than I had been at the outset, which is pretty damn upset.

If I sound disillusioned, it's because I am. I have been trying to do Atkins, and I am just at that point, where I have to concede that it is NOT working for me. If I have to compulsively count calories and exercise like a fiend just to make Atkins work (and work slllllooooooowly, I might add), I defend my right to eat the occasional creme brulee. Dammit.

So I am thinking, I am going to cruise through the rest of this week, kind of eat what I want (within reason- as soon as I typed that,the words "big-ass box of maple bars" came to mind, which makes me believe that Satan just has me on speed-dial), but keep exercising at the gym and staying focused to start over again with a different plan next week. Back to South Beach, where I can at least have fruit and whole grains. And I'll be keeping up with FitDay.

Considering that I have a plan, hitting bottom doesn't seem quite as bad.

The rundown

Well, here it is. This is the part where I said I would go into detail about the whole weight loss experience. It's long, it's boring, and essentially, it's never-ending. That's my disclaimer, in case you were wondering.

My first "diet" wasn't really a diet. My family just suddenly got a lot more active- long walks after dinner, or I would ride my bike behind my dad as he ran. No biggie.

I had always been a skinny kid, and the first time I remember being concerned with my weight was probably in the fifth grade (when the family walks were starting to happen). As most women could probably testify, I figured it out while trying on swimsuits in the dressing rooms at Gottshalks. That was the first year that my little sister and I didn't get matching suits- mine was black with polka dots and had a flirty little skirt, presumably to disguise the burgeoning junk in my trunk.

The summer between 6th grade and Junior High, I remember begging my mom to let me do Weight Watchers. I think I had been teased about my weight, but I'm not sure now what led me to do it. I think it was more of a case of going shopping, and none of the cute little clothes that I liked to wear looking "right" on me. Which was possibly a result of being a little pudgy, and also- well, I looked like a 30 year old trapped in a 12 year old's body.

So, Weight Watcher's it was. I had 10 lbs to lose, of which, I think I lost 8. I started junior high with a light heart, a new wardrobe, contact lenses, a new short and sophisticated bobbed haircut, and lip gloss from Clinique.

The weight stayed off for about 15 minutes, and of course, I gained it back plus more. I tried Weight Watchers again twice, with 30 and 40 pounds to lose, respectively. Both times I would start to lose, and then gain and lose the same three pounds, over and over again. The second time around, one of the leaders took my mother aside when she came to pick me up. I went out and waited in the car.

Essentially what she said was that she had a theory about me- that I was a very pretty girl (hey, thanks lady!) who was very shy. She thought that I was uncomfortable with the attention that I got from people, mainly from the boys my age, and that being overweight screened me from that.

"I see it a lot in teenaged girls," she said. "Look at her posture, look at the way she wears her hair- it's like a curtain she can hide behind. Your daughter is sabotaging herself. I don't know if it's conscious or not, but she doesn't want to lose the weight on some level- she wants to be invisible."

My mom didn't tell me about this until after I was in college. It makes me so sad to think about this. It's pretty much on the mark. Even at 13 and 14, I looked a lot older than I was. If my family went out to a restaurant with a bar, my father would walk me to the bathroom, because otherwise, college guys would totally hit on me. Is it uncomfortable having your father walk you to the bathroom? Hell yes.

In the meantime, my hormones were going full-tilt. I wore a D-cup bra by the time I was done with Freshman year. I was 5'7", 150 lbs, and I thought I was the biggest cow ever to walk the earth.

I gained steadily all though high shool. I did Slim Fast, Weight Watchers one more time. My parents promised me all kinds of things if I succeeded- cash, new clothes, cool stuff for my room...and it never worked. Then when I ended up in the doctor's office after my sophomore year for my annual physical, ahe made me get onto the dreaded scale and made a pronouncement. "You need to lose weight."

She sent me home with advice to drink Sego diet shakes. I'll tell you here and now, they tasted like ass, but they worked. Until I stopped drinking them. Thrilled to be eating real food again, and never having changed my diet or exercise habits, I gained it all back. With interest.

I actually wore my weight really well- I wasn't short, and I had (by process of elimination) an hourglass figure. Actually at this point, my body seemed determined to circumvent my desire to be invisible, and my chest expanded to ridiculous proportions. I went off to college carrying my teal foot locker, 180 lbs, and packing triple G's in the ol' brasseire.

I actually managed to lose weight in my freshman year of college- Davis was an active campus, and I would go to the gym with my roommates. I did make an attempt to join the crew team, but mononucleosis had other ideas, and I can't say I wasn't relieved to give up the 5 AM practice sessions.

Halfway through college, the insurance company finally caved and granted my request for a breast reduction. I had grooves in my shoulders from carrying those things around. When they did it, they realized that those things were so heavy, they were creating scar tissue, which meant they got heavier, and produced more scar tissue. Ew.

I am sick of this story already- maybe I will finish it one day. Through college, and most specifically, through a really really horrible controlling and emotionally
abusive relationship, I indulged in a whoooole lot of emotional eating. I gained. And gained. And gained.

At the end of the relationship, I was 25, and I estimate that I weighed around 280 pounds. I wish I had a specific reference, but the idea of climbing back onto a scale at that point just made me want to die. I just started losing because my life was busier and happier, and I was living with my parents and therefore was self-conscious about everything that I ate in front of them.

So, I started losing, and I had some kind of epiphany. I wanted to be on a program. I am not sure how, I am not sure why, but mom and I went to some quack diet center, and they put me on Bontril, AKA "diet crack."

I lost 11 pounds the first week. By the time I met my boyfriend (now husband) I was down to about 230. This is where we run into a problem. because while the Bontril worked very, very well, it was expensive and also made me a raging bitch with no warning whatsoever. And I was having to take more and more of it to keep up the weight loss effects. Which made things worse. I got down into the 190's (numbers I hadn't seen in a loooong time) just in time for my wedding, and then I quit taking it.

Within 4 months, my husband was overseas for what was supposed to be three months but turned out to be six. I'd promptly put back another 10 lbs after our wedding, but I seemed to be stabilizing. Emotional eating strikes again! By the time he got home, I was the weight he'd been when he met me. To his credit, it didn't bother him (he was just happy to be away from all the sand!) But it bothered me immensely.

I have struggled at this weight, give or take ten pounds, for the last four years. I have done South Beach twice, tried WW again (I think I am just writing them off at this point!) and most recently, tried Atkins. Which is working, but slowly, since by this time, my metabolism is so very very pissed off at me.

I have never gone over the entire story, and I am probably leaving things out here and there. But this is just for my self-edification. And if anyone else wants to read it, be my guest.

Confusion reigns!

Yes, it now looks like I have TWO, count 'em, TWO, weight loss websites. This is no longer the case- one of them has mutated into a "daily life and musings about the Universe" sort of thing. Thank God, because who the hell wants two weight loss websites?

In my defense, what is now my primary blog (TMWA)was originally intended to be a big secret. I started out posting intensely boring lists of what I'd eaten that day, the results of my weigh-ins, and exercise rundowns. Which was excruciatingly boring, but hey! I was the only one who read it.

Then I fell off the bandwagon big time, but I kept the blog, and just started rambling about random crap un an effort to ignore that my goals had just flown out the window. Eventually, I admitted to one of my co-workers that I had a blog, and the rest, as they say, is history.

I was going to direct people over to a new blog if they wanted to catch up with my daily life, and take back TMWA for my weight loss journey. Upon reflection, I decided that it would just be easier to start posting my weight-related drivel somewhere else. And also to take back my original knitblog, Sweatergrrrl, because while some people are fascinated by botched intarsia attempts and learning to use a spinning wheel and pictures of my yarn stash, the general public will just think that I'm insane.

The big reason is that I thought it would be nice to come up with another, somewhat witty title, that would better reflect the really, really REALLY long road it's been. Which I will probably go into detail about in my next post.

So, if you've happened on my little lair in this corner of the Web, I would just like to say, "Welcome!" And may the force be with you.